dReAmInG oF fAiRyTaLeS...

Yesterday was my 20th birthday! I can't believe I'm done with my teen years. I defintely don't feel as old as I am, but time keeps moving no matter what. I didn't do much to celebrate this year...I'm saving my energy for the big 21 next year!! haha. I did go home for the weekend and spend my birthday with my family though. I went to church in the AM and saw all my church fam, which was great. My mom made lasagna for dinner & invited the rest of the family over for dessert and gift-opening. I got to eat an amazing home-cooked meal and have a great time seeing all my crazy relatives!
Not only did I have a great birthday, but also a great "day-before-my-birthday"! lol. I got my haircut on saturday! It was my first real haircut...took me twenty years to get up the courage. haha. I think I've been scissor-phobic ever since a friend an I cut eachother's hair when we were 5. can you say disaster?!? Let's just say my mom was highly pissed and since then I have not cut my hair more than to just trim off the dead hair. However, I decided I needed a change and just went and did it before I could chicken out. =D I am suprisingly happy with the results. I LOVE it! If nothing else, the haircut makes me feel more my age!

I heard this song today, for the first time in forever, and i fell in love with it all over again. It just brings back so many memories of HIM and all the regrets over the past things that have happened. *sigh.* Love is not easy; I guess it wouldn't be worth it if it was...but it sucks anyway. I have this gut feeling that I should try being in a relationship with him again, but I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do for either of us. I don't want to hurt him anymore than I already have, and I don't want to make the whole in my heart any deeper. Through all the uncertainties I still find myself wondering what it would be like to start over with him; I can see the bigger picture, the fairytale, with him. Yet, something stops me from making my dreams a reality. My favorite lines in this song go "I think I need a bottle with a genie in it/ Here's my wish list"..."If I had one wish/ we'd be best friends/love would never end/ it would just begin..." If i had one wish/ you'd be my boo/ promise to love you/ trust me, i'll trust you." If only I really could make a wish and instantly have all that I dreamed for life would be easier. What do you do when you realize the frog that you kissed was actually a prince, but before he could transform you tossed him back into the pond?

Life is full of ups and downs and lately that's exactly what I feel like my emotions have been; a rollercoaster. My life is just on this turbulent ride that seems to have no end in sight. Its like I know as I'm doing things that it isn't the best choice, but I find myself doing it anyway. I don't think I've had one day in the last 3 years that wasn't in some way stressful or emotionally taxing. I really would like some peace in my life, but I doubt I'll be getting that anytime soon. In the meantime...what in the world am I supposed to do with myself?!? That is the question of the day. What do you do when life knocks you down? The cliche answer would be to brush yourself off and get back up again right? But, what do most people do when they get a swift kick in the ass? They crumble to the floor, cry out in agony, stay down & protect/cover themselves in the hopes that the next lash wont her as much. I guess thats what I've been doing lately. I got knocked down, broke down, cried and surrounded myself in a bubble of indifference, false confidence and loosened the ties of personal relationships in the hopes that the next kick wouldn't hurt as much. The only problem with this plan is...it doesnt work. There isn't enough bubble wrap, drugs or alcohol in the world to shield yourself from all the trials of life becuase no matter what you do life will always hurt. Its not going to be perfect; even fairy tales have problems to overcome.

i LOVE dogs! but I especially love chihuahua's and can't wait until graduation so I can get one of my own! I have extreme puppy envy and think about getting one everyday. lmao. Unfortunately, I live in campus apartments & animals are prohibited. :( So, until I can get a "baby" of my own, I love to watch youtube vids of chi's. They are all absolutely adorable, but this one is my favorite because the featured puppy is exactly how I envisioned my future chi. super super super CUTE! enjoyyy! :D

WARNING: This list is subject to change as my mood does, but for the moment this is what I'm listening to the most.

1. Kate Voegele- Manhattan from the sky
2. The Fray- You Found Me
3. The Fray- Never Say Never
4. All American Rejects- Gives You Hell
5. Nickelback-Gotta be somebody
6. Donnie Klang- Pick it up
7. Jennifer Hudson- My Heart
8. Paramore- That's What You Get
9. Kelly Clarkson- My Life Would Suck Without You
10. Keyshia Cole- You Complete Me
11. Justin Timberlake & Ciarra- LOVE/SEX/MAGIC
12. Taylor Swift- White Horse
13. Keyshia Cole- You Complete Me

Can't get what used to be
outta my head
Memories of you on repeat.
Trying not to regret
and failing miserably.
Too many of those
shoulda/woulda/coulda's
floating through my mind.

Wishing on a star
for things to be different.
Not sure if I'm being truthful
to me. to you.
maybe it's the loneliness
talking.

I just want someone to be
there.
a MAN to truly love.
hold. laugh. cry with.
to be my friend
& lover.

[REVELATION]

I thought I missed you.
but really....what i missed
was what you represented.
who i thought you were.
what i wanted you to be.

you're not what I want.
He has yet to be found...
that man God made especially
for me.
but I know he's just around
the corner.
And the loneliness
that makes me miss you
and wonder what if?


will be a distant memory.

Everyone talks about acts of violence whether it be getting in a fist fight, spousal abuse or even road rage. And although our society talks about many types of violence, those of us who haven't experienced it first hand remain oddly detached from the subject. But today I had a very personal encounter-although indirectly-with violence and it definitely opened my eyes. It's crazy how one moment in time can change everything- your whole view on life and the people around you. That one violent act, in a fit of anger or frustration, usually ends up having a negative affect on those who participated, witnessed or even heard it "through the grapevine." Although I didn't actually witness or participate in any violent activity just hearing the story and knowing that people close to me were the cause and were affected by it made me extremely upset. Having it hit so close to home made me see how easily it could happen to anyone. All day long I kept playing the scenario over and over in my head and I wasn't even there! So I know that my 8 yr old sister who was a witness and my 14 yr old cousin who was the victim of the attack were thinking about it twice as much. It just hurts my heart to think about someone resorting to throwing punches because the other party wasn't listening or being respectful toward them. It's absolutely ludicrous to cause someone physical harm for ANY reason- especially a child. They are fragile in body and mind, what you do to them or around them during their formative years is crucial to who they will become as adults. I really wish people would think before they act, because everything you do has a ripple effect.